“I feel like if I just went back to school, all of my problems would be solved.” 

“Really? How many problems would that solve exactly?” 

“None…” 

This was an actual conversation I had with my sister. It left me feeling raw and exposed. 

My sister is honest, not fearful of hurting my feelings, and will tell me when I’m wrong. This used to bother me a lot, but it’s something I’ve grown to treasure about our relationship… So I’ve started voicing my thoughts out loud when we talk. Specifically, the thoughts that I’m afraid to speak into existence; the thoughts that sound ridiculous when I bring them into the light. 

This one thought in particular came to me after someone close to me let me know that if I had gone to grad school after serving as a missionary for a year, I would be graduating soon. They didn’t say this to make me feel bad, it was just an observation, but an observation that filled me with regret. It made me feel like I wasted the last two years of my life. 

I am wasting my life. I have nothing to show for the past two years of constant heartbreak, it was all just a waste of time. I should have done something more useful with my life, like grad school, that would have saved me from so much suffering… right? 

It’s so tempting to believe this lie. It’s so easy, because hoping and trusting the Lord in this season of waiting and uncertainty and rejection is exhausting. 

But I can’t let myself think that way! 

The Lord has shown me the beauty in this season. I know He is present in the waiting. I know He is still speaking. Sometimes, I just wish He was saying something different. 

While filling in a friend about my unsuccessful job search, I shared that I keep waiting for the Lord to tell me to do something else, but He doesn’t. My friend asked, “If that’s really what you want, why don’t you try something new?” 

“I don’t know what it would be…” 

Again, I felt raw after this conversation. What does it say about me that I am so eager to leave the tension and agony of hoping that I would abandon my desires?

If I start pursuing something else, will that mean that I have wasted the past two years of my life? If I do start trying something new, does that mean my desires weren’t real? Am I actually really bad at discernment? Do I know the voice of the Lord?

I’m afraid that changing my mind means admitting defeat. I don’t want to be seen as a failure, and I especially have no desire to start this whole process over in a new career path. I’m freaking exhausted.

I called my mom crying after my most recent interview, it didn’t go poorly, but I didn’t leave feeling super confident either. I left with more doubts and fears that I am just wasting my life. I left feeling raw. 

I like to think I wear a convincing mask, that I cover up how I’m feeling underneath. The truth is, I am bruised and bleeding and raw. I don’t have advice on how to keep fighting the good fight because I’m still in the trenches. 

Everyday I have to stop myself from believing the lie that I’m wasting my life. Everyday I choose to hope that the Lord will fulfill my desires, that I will find employment. Everyday I fight exhaustion and bring my raw, aching heart to Jesus.  

Friend, if you are feeling raw, you are not alone. I’m right here in the trenches with you and I’m praying for you.