I haven’t used my instagram account in about 4 months. 

I can only last about 5 minutes on facebook before the endless feed of accomplishments and updates from people I haven’t spoken to in years becomes too much. It’s hard to hit the “like” button on posts that make my covetous heart ache. 

I didn’t like that side of me. I didn’t like that piece of my heart that turned envious and resentful while watching others live a life I wanted. Social media became a dark place, a place that led me to sin, so I deleted the apps off my phone. 

It felt like my life was… empty, at first. The noise had stopped. I had more room to be, to listen, to see. 

I found that it became easier to breathe. Life was more bearable and I was beginning to find joy in the small, hidden parts of my life. Jesus was very near to me. 

In this new year, I have set out to live my life, not watch behind a screen as others live theirs. 

I didn’t come to this conclusion all on my own, however. Jesus practically had to shout at me in prayer one day. “Don’t think too much; live, be free to make mistakes, be free to do the fun, adventurous, crazy things. My delight, dream, make yourself vulnerable. Live virtuously, but be human. Be who I created you to be.” 

I want to be very clear and say the Lord is not encouraging me to sin, but giving me room to be human, giving me freedom from scrupulosity, giving me room to accept His Mercy! 

Let me tell you, I feel alive. I feel like a better, more present friend. I reach out to people when I miss them, I make plans, go on small weekend trips, sign up for events to meet other young adults in my city… I am living! I take time to do the things I love. I read. I watch the sunrise every morning before work. I walk around the neighborhood with my mom. I facetime my friends. I pray. 

Somewhere, between all of the engagement photos and sonograms, I got lost in the mentality of  presenting a “perfect” life to others. When I looked at my life and saw failure and rejection and seemingly nothing, I felt defeated. I felt trapped in a life with no hope of one day getting to share my own exciting news to people who don’t even know me. 

But my life is good. It doesn’t need to be perfect to be enjoyed, to be lived. There is room for weakness and failure. There is room for silence. There is room for imperfection. There is room for me to run to Jesus, for His mercy. 

I like this life. It may not be the most exciting or facebook-post worthy life, but it is full of the Lord’s goodness.