Marianna Schmiesing

A woman’s heart longs to be called after, chased, pursued. A woman’s heart longs to be desired, held in awe, and cherished. A woman’s heart longs to be wanted as enough.

Yeah, duh, I know that.

Hopefully, all women come to this understanding: that they deserved to be valued and sought after. They are intrinsically worth so much more than how they are often viewed and treated, both by men and by other women, and most importantly, by themselves. 

Knowing this usually comes about (at least in my life) through becoming aware of an ache.

Uuggh, can an Emotional Young Catholic Woman Writer go even two minutes without writing about “the ache”?? We get it; you’re sad and lonely.

Over the past year or so, I’ve been thinking a lot about pain, partly because it’s interesting and partly because I like wallowing. As a woman, I get to have a nice little date with achy pain about once a month ( 😀 ), and so the topic is never too far from my mind.

Pain can become overwhelming and all-absorbing. It pulls us back into ourselves, compromises our actions, and keeps us from living fully. Pain points to a need, something that needs to be healed. The focus of a person in pain is always drawn back to the pain, no matter how hard they try to fight through it. 

In the same way that physical pain brings us back to the body, heartache brings us back to the soul.

In finding blame for this ache, we could point fingers at society, at men, at other women, but ultimately it comes down to a serpent and a tree of apples. We ache because we’ve been broken. We ache because this is not our home.

I do not like pain. I do not even want to tolerate it in light of achieving something greater. I think pain is stupid. 

But I am in pain. Each and every day, in so many different ways, I am made aware of this reality. Usually, it’s just by stubbing my toe, but often, it’s through the desires of my heart.

Noooooo, not D e S i R e S. I know about dEsIrEs and they’re stupid and I’m sick and tired of dESIRES—

The fact that our hearts are full of desires doesn’t bother me. It’s that these desires go unfulfilled. It’s that I stay awake at night singing along with Akon: “Lonely, I’m Mr. Lonely. I have nobody for my ooOOOOOOOWWWWwwwnnnn.” That I feel unnoticed unless I’m wearing a bright red dress.

We want to be pursued. We want to be found valuable, worthwhile, and not merely for whatever job or actions we do. We want to be loved. 

I was recently reading a book about women, and the author said that a woman’s heart reveals the heart of God. I’m sure I’ve heard that statement somewhere before, and it never really moved me. 

But as I was reading this book, I was also struggling with the idea of chasing down the teenagers I was trying to minister to (not physically running after them) but pursuing a friendship with them even though it was very clear that I was not anywhere near their priorities list. And so, when I read that in the same way a woman longs to be pursued, so too does God—that slapped a little different.

(“That slapped” is a phrase commonly used among the young folks that is similar to “it struck me.”)

I know firsthand the depth and breadth of my desires. I know how ravenously I want them to be fulfilled. I know the ache, the pain, of feeling ignored and forgotten.

So too are God’s desires. 

Pursuit doesn’t come easily to me. I don’t do well with rejection, and I would never ask a guy out. I never want to chase, or even ask, because I don’t want to seem too desperate. As a Modern Young Independent Woman, it is my Right and Pleasure to be self-sufficient and in need of nothing. Why should I ever stoop to pursue anyone?

Think of why you want to be pursued: We want to show more of ourselves. We want to be fully known. We want to be free to fully love. 

A woman’s heart reveals the heart of God.

God longs for pursuit because he longs to show more of himself. He wants us to fully know him. He wants to be free to fully show his love in our lives. 

I’m still going over what to do with this nice little packet of information. I do know that my own desires, whether for endless ice cream or a date with Lumberjack Joe, have not diminished—and I don’t expect them to. But now that I am a little more aware, I can return to that little conversation with Christ with a lifted outlook. I now know him a little better, and that has given me the confidence to let him take one more step closer in pursuit of me.