About halfway through my mission year there was a weird sense of urgency within the community. Out of nowhere, everyone was applying for jobs and starting to think about life after the mission year. It seemed that way at least; one day we were using our free time to rest and play and the next day everyone was up in the office polishing up their resumes.  

I applied and interviewed for a few jobs as opportunities arose. I got excited as I pictured my life in a new city doing a job that seemed perfect for me. Then, the Lord would take those opportunities away.

“We loved getting to know you, but we are looking for someone with more experience/education.” 

“You, unfortunately, were not selected for the next round of interviews.” 

“This was a challenging decision, but we ultimately gave the job to someone else.” 

I got used to rejection. After each polite, yet, disappointing email I marched into the chapel. “Okay, Lord. What’s next?” I never got an answer. It almost felt like He was daring me to dream.

I couldn’t see anything. 

Without a job description to go off of, I couldn’t see the future. I couldn’t see where I would live or what job I would work. I couldn’t see what I wanted, what I desired for my life.  

Along the way I had forgotten how to dream. When I mentioned this to my roommate we began to ask each other, “What is the dream?” 

The dream? That felt so big. Daunting. Unattainable. 

I couldn’t see anything. My mind was flooded with fear and hesitancy.

What is the dream? Holiness. Intimacy. Sainthood. Heaven. An eternity with Our Lord. But I’m getting too far ahead of myself, aren’t I? People have lists of things, earthly things, they want to accomplish before death. 

I was hesitant to name my dreams. I was hesitant to name the desires of my heart because of the chance that I would become disappointed again. If I don’t dream, I can’t be disappointed. So I resolved that I wouldn’t dream, I’d just wait for the Lord to speak. I thought it was a good, holy thing to ask the Lord what He wanted for my life. Well friends, it is, but I was asking Him out of fear. 

Fear was getting me nowhere. The fear of disappointment kept me from dreaming. I was so familiar with disappointment and I wanted to avoid that feeling. I haven’t forgotten how to dream, I just actively chose not to dream. 

What are my dreams? I want to work in ministry. I want to study Theology. I want to go to France. I want to be a mother. I want to write a book. I want to become a Spiritual Director. 

I’m not currently living the dream. I ended up back home, working as a substitute teacher, but I don’t doubt that this is exactly what the Lord wants for me right now. I don’t know how my dreams will take shape or come to fruition, but I’m not afraid to dream. I still know the feeling of disappointment well. I still face rejection, but I’m not letting that deter me from dreaming. 

Along the way I will grow in holiness and intimacy with the Lord. I hope I will reach sainthood, not by living out of fear, but by daring to dream.